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Trapped: release the subconscious from suffering

June 7, 2017

On Sunday I woke in the night from a disturbed sleep. I had been hovering in the in-between state for a while – that space between dreams and being awake, conscious that if I just opened my eyes, the thoughts that were haunting me, would end. We’d heard the news, of shameless attacks on humanity in London the night before, but we didn’t have all the details, mostly b/c the intelligence that goes into finding the culprits were looking to solve whodunit. But also, in this house, I turn the radio down when the news comes on.

My anxiety over world events is one thing, but I’m cautious of what my four year old will hear and digest and ruminate on. All in due time, I think. I was/do/attempt to hold a space for the spirit of childhood. To create gardens and tell stories and build towers while counting to 50 or higher, to learn in a warm (and by that I mean humbled, safe, not sheltered) space as much as possible. We see it all, he’ll know it all to well, soon enough. In due time.

Post Pardonne-Moi #2

September 14, 2016

Tonight I sat and cried on my living room floor. I had a case of post-pardonne-moi. My three-year old crawled into my lap and offered me a hug asking, “What’s wrong mommy? What happened?” I couldn’t tell him that it wasn’t one thing in particular, that the accumulation of the grind of the day, of driving across town to and from his daycare and my work, that sometimes I felt soulless these days and that the mail that I had just opened, a rather large bill, just put me over the edge. He’s three, I’m the adult, I should be able to keep these emotions at bay. I can self-talk or vent with anyone else about any of the things, but not with him, a child.

Sometimes I wonder if this is a form of post-partum. Waves of sadness, of listlessness, of running on absolute empty, in my otherwise happy day. Days where I long for hours without a schedule, to not think about food, to not plan a meal, because I feel like I am constantly in motion, or as a good friend, a mom of two said, I’m always working, but I’m getting nothing done.

Running Into Words

May 4, 2016

I read Haruki Murakami’s What I Talk About When I Talk About Running over the winter and thought it would jumpstart my writing and running. Both had been on hold, or rather, been left to the Weekend Warrior category of things – once a week, twice if I was truly dedicated and focused and actually got of bed in the opaque black, drank dark coffee and got out the door or down to work. It’s May though, time of so much change. It’s not pitch black at 5:30am, through closed windows you can still hear birds happily announcing the sun’s arrival. It really does magic for the soul. I signed up for a run a while back, on the suggestion of a friend, who, like me, looks ahead and plans and sets goals that, in February offer excitement on the promise of spending time outdoors without down-filled jackets and heavy winter boots. In February, May seemed far away and a 5km run for Mental Heath seemed like something that wouldn’t require too much effort. It’s days away now, and though both writing and running occur on a more regular basis, neither take up the time I hoped they would. It’s in these times, the challenging times of editing, of getting out the door and running when it feels like you are stuck in mud, that matter. Every half an hour makes a difference. This Saturday, when I run 5km, I will not focus on the time it takes, I will run, and do what I tell myself when drafting something for the first time, stop focusing on the end, just let it be, let it run, free.

For anyone in the Chatham, Ontario area looking to run or walk the Run for Mental Health 2016 go here:

https://raceroster.com/events/2016/7618/run-for-mental-health-2016

Photo credit: http://blog.theclymb.com/tips/6-tips-transition-road-running-10k-trail-run/

Gun violence, enough

December 14, 2015

I have a post on raising a toddler & gun violence up on Upparentingcreek.com

http://upparentingcreek.com/the-nights-i-get-things-right/

On December 14th, 2012 at Sandy Hook Elementary School twenty children and six teachers lost their lives to a man with guns. Virginia Tech, Sandy Hook, and most recently San Bernadino. When will we say enough is enough and regulate guns through truly effective means (since it seems people are so unwilling to let them go)? Let’s stop the violence, let’s stop the hate and the hurt that leads people to believe that a gun and murder is the answer.

Category: healthy communities